How Long Will They Stay Mad?
A completely unscientific cooldown timer for partners, friends, roommates, and everyone in between. Answer honestly, or don't, we're not judging.
Last updated
Results are for fun only, please don't make major life or financial decisions based on a website that also has a dog years calculator.
How this works
Not real math, but it feels like it. Four things go into the cooldown timer: who's mad at you, how bad the offense was, picked from a 1-to-10 slider with its own label, from "forgot to text back" up to "forgot our anniversary", whether you've apologized, and whether you showed up with snacks, flowers, or some other peace offering. Those get combined into an hour count, then converted into a live countdown, plus a randomly picked (but consistent) one-liner tacked on the end for flavor.
The severity slider does most of the heavy lifting: the base cooldown is your severity number squared, times 1.8 hours, so the total climbs fast as the offense gets worse, not in a straight line. Who's mad at you multiplies that base up or down, partners run hottest at 1.4x, coworkers cool off fastest at 0.6x. Apologizing properly cuts the total by 45%, apologizing "sort of" cuts it by 20%, and showing up with a gift shaves off another 25%, with the two reductions stacking together rather than just adding up. As an example: severity 5, "showed up late, again", a partner, no apology yet, no gift, works out to a 63-hour cooldown (5 squared is 25, times 1.8 is 45 base hours, times the 1.4 partner multiplier). Go back, apologize properly, and bring something home, and that same scenario drops to roughly 26 hours.
Same inputs always produce the same countdown and the same one-liner, so you can rerun it after you actually do the dishes and see whether your number, and your excuse, has improved.
Frequently asked questions
Is this actually how long they'll stay mad?
No, obviously not, there's no real formula for human emotions. This is a for-fun countdown timer built on made-up weights and a squared-severity curve, not a relationship study. Treat the result as a joke to share, not a real estimate of anyone's mood.
Why does who I pick change the number so much?
Each relationship option carries its own multiplier on the base cooldown: partners run hottest at 1.4x, parents at 1.2x, friends stay neutral at 1.0x, roommates at 0.9x, siblings at 0.8x, and coworkers cool off fastest at 0.6x. It's a wink at how the same offense can feel like a much bigger deal depending on who it's aimed at.
Does apologizing actually help the number, or is it just for show?
In the calculator's made-up math, yes, apologizing "sort of" knocks 20% off the total cooldown, and a proper apology knocks off 45%. Bringing a gift on top of that shaves off another 25%, and the two reductions multiply together rather than just adding up, so doing both cuts the time by a lot more than doing either one alone.
Do I get a different one-liner every time?
You'll get the same one-liner every time you enter the exact same combination of who, severity, apology, and gift, it isn't random, it's generated from those answers so the joke stays consistent if you rerun it. Change any one input, even just the severity level, and you may land on a different line.
What's the highest severity option and what number is behind it?
Forgetting your anniversary sits at the top of the severity slider, at level 10. Since the base cooldown is your severity number squared times 1.8 hours, level 10 alone works out to 180 base hours before any relationship multiplier or reduction is applied, by far the steepest jump on the scale.
Can the cooldown timer ever hit zero?
Technically no, the formula has a built-in floor of 0.1 hours, about 6 minutes, no matter how much the apology and gift reductions stack up. Even a full apology plus a gift for a minor offense will still show a short countdown rather than an instant zero.